MLS Rankings Of Power: Week Five

Wow, five straight weeks. Nobody thought we would make it this far. It’s our wooden anniversary, but you won’t find anybody celebrating around here — we’ve got some kinetic energy to investigate. 

It’s time to switch up the intro because, by now, you should know the drill. If you don’t, here’s the breakdown: the best team in MLS is still the Timber Joeys!, the worst team in MLS is now Sons By Name Of Ben. That’s the table. That’s who wins the ATL-ULTRAS-WATCH-UR-MOUTH Shield and who gets sent down to try and figure out where in the f**k Indy Eleven is.  

But this here is the most powerful list of whatever; the things that make you tingle, the things that drag tires entire city blocks and proceed to toss them through fourth-story apartment windows. Yeah, that kind of savage, raw, dirty MLS power.

Let us continue.

  1. MLS Rankings of Power: Week One
  2. MLS Rankings of Power: Week Two
  3. MLS Rankings of Power: Week Three
  4. MLS Rankings of Power: Week Four

Dropping from the top 10: How Many Fans Is Too Many Fans, Atlanta? Being An MLS Cup 2015 Finalist, Tifo Game So Strong 

Having All The Feels (New entry)

The week began with Toronto FC's Jonathan Osorio telling us, "I feel a lot of things...maybe more than other players on our team." But the feels didn't stop there. Emotions were running high this weekend, and there's no time like the spring season to blossom into your own.

Here's the beautiful creation and accurate flinging of a snow ball in one highly emotional moment:

Here's a lover's quarrel with a net:

Here's Pablo Mastroeni feelin' down (Rapids Suffocating Defense has been out of the Rankings of Power for weeks now):

There's nothing more powerful than catching all the feels, just look at Kyle Beckerman rage with feeling inside:

Footy McFooty Face (+1)
Bill Walton

Bill Walton is fully behind the San Diego Footy McFooty Faces.

@zesty_nuggets | Twitter

The San Diego Footy McFooty Faces (that’s what they’ll always be called on this website going forward, damn whatever they come up with) had a good week for two reasons: 1.) They sold a bunch of Footy McFooty Face t-shirts, resulting in almost $8,000 of proceeds going directly to charity.

2.) They got the support of MLS’s greatest advocate yet: NBA legend and current sportscaster Bill Walton, who called the club “a harmonic convergence of the highest order.”


LA Galaxy Social Media Team, So Very Social (New entry)

The LA Galaxy social media team caught some flak from Don Juan Garber after releasing a nice little video about Portland Timbers' dives, but they're still churning out some frankly raw social posts.

Oh and here's a photo of some of the greatest players ever: Mohawked 2002 World Cup Hero Clint Mathis, Cobi Jones, Carlos "El Pescadito" Ruis and Landon Donovan.

I’ve Never Met A Back Heel I Didn’t Like (New entry)

You didn't know, man? Jozy Altidore's the mailman...going postal.

David Villa (-2)

David Villa scored another goal to bring his total to three goals and three assists from 5 matches, but it wasn’t enough for NYCFC against DC United. 

Andrea Pirlo, while still the greatest passer in the history of this league, is not looking very powerful in the heart of midfield. It's becoming extremely difficult for the Italian to move, which was never his strong suit.


Orlando City’s record at their new digs is three wins from three matches with two clean sheets. The lone goal in their victory against NYRB was scored right in front of THE WALL to the delight of THE WALL.

Cyle Larin almost scored the most powerful goal of the year as well. 


DC United Raccoons (+2)
Rally Raccoon

Rally Raccoon has instigated DC's turnaround.


The magic of the Rally Raccoon has set in motion a reversal of fortune for DC United. They’ve now scored four goals in their last two games (!) and just look at this one.

And, as we mentioned last week, Bill Hamid has the power.

V̶a̶d̶i̶m̶ ̶D̶e̶m̶i̶d̶o̶v̶ Brent Kallman (-1)
Brent Kallman

Brent Kallman is Thor.

@GoldFishFibers | Twitter

Vadim Demidov’s transformation from marquee signing and first Minnesota United captain in MLS to one of the worst defenders in the history of the league took another turn this weekend. After being a part of three matches that resulted in 16 goals against, Demidov lost his starting spot to the pride of Minnesota, Brent Kallman.

On Saturday, Demidov wasn’t even named to the substitutes’ bench. Meanwhile, Kallman was literally tearing every sinew out on the pitch and looking like an animated heart, a four-chambered muscular organ with a headband and an insatiable desire to hustle.

Kellyn Acosta (-1)

Kellyn Acosta was arguably the best player on the pitch in the Champions League semifinal second leg between FC Dallas and Pachuca. How he didn’t register an assist when squaring for a teammate to tap in will hurt for some time to come.

In this past weekend’s match against Minnesota, Acosta quietly went about his business. While he didn’t dominate the game, he played a huge role in Dallas’ second goal in the match. Minnesota's Sam Cronin was put in a terrible position by a teammate, and Acosta immediately smelt blood. 

He came out with the ball and then registered a nice assist.

Chicago Fire’s Road To Russia (+2)

In all the resulting hullabaloo that followed the Chicago Fire signing Chicago Fire international Bastian Schweinsteiger, it largely flew under the radar that Chicago had signed another World Cup winning player, Chicago Fire international Andres Iniesta. Iniesta’s Spanish name roughly translates to Dax McCarty in English, but the midfield axis of Schweinsteiger and Iniesta makes Chicago’s 2018 dream that much more feasible.

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