WTF

Wayne Shaw and pie-gate, eat your heart out. Michiel Kramer and croquette-gate are the new flavor of the month for food-related football bans. 

The FIFA corruption trial for three South Americans started weird, got weirder and ended with a little bit more weird on Thursday in New York City. During the closing arguments, the defense attorney for a former president of Brazil’s soccer federation basically tried to make the case that his client was too dumb to be involved in the bribery scandals that have rocked FIFA.

Shakhtar Donetsk advanced to the knockout stage of the Champions League Wednesday, finishing second in Group F. They were sandwiched by Manchester City and Napoli. As such, Fonseca showed up to his post-game press conference dressed up as fictional swashbuckler Zorro.

As one does.

No one ever said the FIFA corruption trials would be normal. But I don’t think anyone expected this bizarre turn of events. Kevin Jonas was called to the stand to testify for the prosecution during the ongoing court case on Thursday at a U.S. Federal Court in Brooklyn. 

It turns out spending millions of dollars on manager Andre Villas-Boas and immediate want-aways Carlos Tevez and Jackson Martinez amounts to little more than burning money for the Chinese Super League. According to a recent audit by accounting firm PwC and as reported by Goal, the CSL’s clubs are currently in a combined debt of over $600 million.

Newcastle United supporters have long referred to Sunderland’s Stadium of Light as the Stadium of Shite *shoots finger guns*, but that genius-level pun was taken to a seemingly literal level on Saturday after 17-year-old season ticket holder Callum Mawson was accused of shitting in the stands during his club’s 3-1 defeat to Reading.

Sepp Blatter, the disgraced former FIFA president who once suggested female players wear tighter shorts to promote “a more female aesthetic” in the women’s game, has dismissed Hope Solo’s claims of sexual assault at the 2013 Ballon d’Or award ceremony in Zurich, Switzerland.