Tricks

Following Zinedine Zidane’s success at Real Madrid, the appointment of the legendary cerebral midfielder has become the status quo at Europe’s super clubs: Plucky underdogs Chelsea turned to Frank Lampard, Barcelona recently gave Xavi the eyes and Juventus — moments after dismissing manager’s manager Maurizio Sarri — turned to the enigmatic merlot that is Andrea Pirlo.

Back in the days of FIFA Street, you used to have to string together tricks and skills to fill a combo bar which unleashed the GameBreaker — an action that would allow you to score from essentially anywhere, usually by way of scissor kick. 

If this feature were somehow ported into real life, performing the seal dribble would instantly charge that GameBreaker to max capacity. Across the spectrum of sport, I know of no form of self-expression that’s as needless, as brazen and as semiaquatic marine mammal-inspired as the seal dribble.

Somersault throw-ins in soccer are as rare as they are successful. The idea isn’t terrible per se — a launched throw that has the potential to be as effective as a corner kick sounds great. More often than not though, the end result is the thrower embarrassing themselves in front of everyone.

Iranian international Milad Mohammadi’s awful attempt at the World Cup stands as a grave reminder for how it can go wrong.

If you thought Frank Lampard’s youth revolution and a coronavirus financial hit of $3 billion would keep Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich away from the transfer market, he’s still got around $14 billion reasons to buy every Bundesliga player you’ve ever heard of.

The biggest Abramovich transfer rumor this past week was whispers of the 53-year-old purchasing Edvard Munch’s The Scream at an auction for $121 million, but that gossip has been quashed by an Abramovich spokesperson. 

With the Bundesliga taking center stage around the planet this past weekend, millions tuned in on Sunday to watch league-leader Bayern Munich go through the paces in a 2-0 win over Union Berlin. While the two-month break obviously took its toll on the standard of play, Bayern relied on the unshakeable midfield brilliance of Thiago Alcântara to establish the rhythm of play and control 62 percent of possession.

On June 24, Lionel Messi celebrates his 33rd birthday. From a purely sporting perspective, one of the great injustices of the pandemic is depriving us of precious Messi time — after all, conventional wisdom tells us that the Argentine’s peak is now well behind him. Of course, actually watching him tells you something completely different.