Tricks

Jessica Silva Is The Scariest Player In The Dang Universe

If you ever find yourself, as a defender, in a situation in which Jessica Silva has the ball somewhere in the vicinity of the corner flag and you are standing between her and the goal, just give up. Accept that she is going to humiliate you and get on with your life. Move into a cabin in the woods and meditate. Live off the land. Develop a hobby like woodworking. No one can nutmeg you when you're woodworking.

Silva, though, will nutmeg you. She will nutmeg you to death. Here is proof, via Portugal's 2019 World Cup qualifier against Belgium:

The Most Casual Double Nutmeg Of All-Time Is The Calling Card Of A True Sociopath

Behold, the most nonchalant double nutmeg of all-time. Like a video game hero encountering the first two nameless henchmen on level one, our beloved mad lad wastes these two opponents before they fade off our screen entirely.

All that’s left is our gallant No. 9, who looks like he could either kill you with subtle skills (as below) or just “Gonzalo Higuain Truck You” into the afterlife. He’s built like the nameless beast of AMC’s The Terror. He’s the thing that eats on two legs and four. The thing made of muscles and spells.

15 Savage Nutmegs That Broke The Internet And Ended Once-Promising Careers

During Racing Club’s 5-0 defeat of Patronato in the Argentine Primera Division on Sunday, 20-year-old forward Lautaro Martinez — who just received his first Argentina call-up and is reportedly being heavily courted by both Borussia Dortmund and Inter Milan — provided the play of the weekend with just two delicate touches of the ball. 

His intricate little tippy tap sent the ball through the legs of the defender, ending his life and sending his soul down the river Styx. 

Luka Modric Pulls Off A Savage, Career-Ending Double Nutmeg

Oh baby. It’s that time of year again. Nearly seven weeks after a Copa del Rey exit put manager Zinedine Zidane’s position on the brink, Real Madrid has since gone 9-1-1 while elevating itself back to the position of Champions League favorite following a 5-2 aggregate humbling of PSG. 

Over that period, Cristiano Ronaldo has recorded 15 goals and two assists in nine starts, including a brace against Eibar on Saturday

Rare 2005 Nike Commercial Featuring Messi Shows How Life’s A Cruel Mistress

This fantastic Nike “Recuerda mi nombre” (“Remember my name”) advert from 2005 has aged wonderfully over the last 13 years because (1) nothing can take away from how poignantly dramatic it is (2) in hindsight, its co-stars went on to wildly different but fascinating things (3) it’s basically a superb representation of the concept of negative capability — it’s a pursuit of a vision of artistic beauty that invites uncertainty and confusion rather than an image of what’s sure and definite.

5 Times Tottenham New Boy Lucas Moura Broke The Internet With His Tekkers

Tottenham’s $35 million signing of Lucas Moura from Paris Saint-Germain is a fantastic piece of business for both the London club and fans of the Premier League on the whole. For Tottenham, the club has some brilliant forward-thinking fullbacks, but no true quality wingers like Lucas. 

Hell, the transfer reveal video was already a smashing success for Spurs.

Samuel Umtiti Turns Defense Into Attack With Absurd Interception-Turned-Backheel

The narrative of FC Barcelona always highlights their attack, and we all know the reason for that (Paulinho). But this season, Barcelona boast the joint-best defense in La Liga with only nine goals conceded after 20 matches (0.45 per game). The impressive nature of the balance they’ve struck is demonstrated by the fact that they’ve scored 28 more goals than their defensive rivals, Atletico Madrid (57 bulges of the ol’ onion bag versus 29).

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