Lionel Messi

Before Messi Was Abusing Defenders, He Was Abusing Extremely Confused Defenders

Lionel Messi was never a little-known quantity. When he scored nearly 500 goals for Newell’s Old Boys as a young boy, people took notice. That’s why Barcelona made the highly unusual decision to sign a 13-year-old foreign player. That’s why, aged 17 years, three months and 22 days, he became Barcelona’s youngest-ever representative in an official competition. It’s why he represented La Albiceleste, the two-time world champions, at 18.

According To Dad, Thiago Messi “Is A Phenomenon,” Mateo “A Son Of A Bitch”

We’ve got it, we’ve pinned down two-year-old Mateo Messi’s future on the pitch. After graduating from La Masia summa cum laude, the phenom will replace a 45-year-old Sergio Busquets in Barcelona’s holding midfield role, because, according to father Lionel, Mateo is “un hijo de puta.” He’s a real mean sumbitch.  

Messi's Statue In Buenos Aires Has Been Vandalized Again

A statue of Lionel Messi in Buenos Aires has been vandalized. The statue, which was erected in June 2016, was cut off at the ankles and removed from its base. Basically, the vandals did what defenders try to do all around the world when they face Messi. And they got away with it because the bronze statue has much slower feet than Messi.

Why Group D Will Be The Most Fun Group In Russia

The World Cup draw took place this morning and, as usual, some groups are more exciting than other groups. Group D, for example. Group D is better than all the other groups. Group D is going to be the most entertaining group at Russia 2018 by a country mile (and that country is Russia, do you see what I did there?), but you don't have to take my word for it, even though you should.

Let's break it down:

Russia 2018 Group D

Argentina

Thiago Messi Hilarity Causes Dad And Luis Suarez To Lose It During Golden Shoe Ceremony

Five-year-old Thiago Messi is obviously too young to understand that there’s nothing more serious than a football awards gala. That’s why FIFA and UEFA spend hours patting themselves on the back while dragging out an exercise that should really only take roughly 10-15 minutes. It’s a place for old men in expensive suits to enjoy upper, upper class high society, not general mirth.

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