Secretary Of Defense Tim Howard Receives 3-Match Ban For Fighting All Of Kansas City

The Colorado Rapid’s disappointing start to the 2017 season took another turn for the worse with goalkeeper Tim Howard being handed a three-match suspension and fine from MLS. 

The league handed Howard the suspension on the eve of Colorado’s 2-1 defeat to Real Salt Lake on Saturday. The incidents in question had taken place the previous Sunday at Children’s Mercy Park in Kansas City.

Puebla Keeper Demonstrates Flawless Game-Losing Technique

In what appears to be a master class on how to lose games and alienate teammates, Puebla keeper Cristian Campestrini demonstrated near-perfect blooper technique in snatching defeat from the jaws of an impending draw on Saturday.

Level at 2-2 versus top-of-the-table Chivas with only seconds remaining, bottom-of-the-table Puebla were running out of options for how to horrifically lose the match. Fans and players alike were certain they would walk away with a point from the encounter, risking Puebla's status as the losingest team in the league.

Some Are Protesting, Some Are Posing For Selfies: The Disturbing Reaction To Convicted Murderer Bruno’s Signing

Bruno Fernandes de Souza hadn’t even been out of jail for a month before Brazilian soccer club Boa Esporte signed him as their goalkeeper. Now, most of us are all for giving someone a second chance after a mistake. But this wasn’t a simple infraction. Bruno was convicted of having his girlfriend killed and then feeding her body to dogs — it doesn’t get any less humane than that.

Watch River Plate Somehow Mess Up A 4-On-The-Goalie Break

(clears throat)

Webster's Dictionary defines "incompetence" as . . . 

It doesn't really matter what Webster's Dictionary defines incompetence as, because I know it when I see it, and this is it. First, Belgrano de Cordoba's defense took a nap when they should have been paying attention to what River Plate's attackers were doing. One defender was paying attention, but he played the situation badly and took himself out of the action right at the start.

Periodic Reminder That Joe Hart Is Trash

Legendary German goalkeeper Jens Lehmann said England goalkeeper Joe Hart is not world class, and for some reason this was taken as controversial by the types of English newspapers that spend a lot of time reporting how expensive Romelu Lukaku's car is.

Really, it shouldn't be controversial. Joe Hart is not and has never been world class. I do not possess the the ability to see into the future, but I'm guessing Hart won't be world class there, either.

Goalkeeper Convicted Of Feeding Girlfriend To Dogs: “Dude, What Happened, Happened”

The story of Brazilian goalkeeper Bruno and his sentencing to 22 years in prison is one that makes the stomach turn. Back in 2010, Bruno was playing for Flamengo in the Brazilian Serie A and reportedly on the verge of joining AC Milan. 

Involved in a dispute with former model Eliza Samudio over child support payments, Bruno had his friends kidnap her, torture her, murder her and fed to Rottweilers. A month after Samudio's disappearance, a judge ordered Bruno's arrest.