Europe

Our Christian Pulisic Hype Meter Is Threatening To Off Itself

Hey, so this is going well, don’t you think? To be honest, it's really going too well. Our Pulisic-O-Meter wasn't designed well enough to withstand this breakneck pace of USMNT wins in the Bundesliga. 

After scoring against Bayern Munich in the German Super Cup to jump-start his 2017-18 season, Christian Pulisic opened his league campaign with a goal and an assist against Wolfsburg on Saturday.

If Neymar Wanted To Win The Puskas, He Came To The Right Place

While we don’t know if Neymar will some day win the Ballon d’Or with Paris Saint-Germain, we can say with confidence that he’s dramatically increased his chances of winning the FIFA Puskas Award by joining the Ligue 1 side.

PSG scored six goals against Toulouse on Sunday, and they were all pretty exceptional.

Javier Mascherano’s Patented Anus-Tearing Tackle Sparks Barcelona Victory

With Ousmane Dembele’s transfer opera turning sour and Luis Suarez out for up to five weeks with a knee injury, Barcelona opened their La Liga campaign on Sunday with Lionel Messi shouldering the burden of his side’s attacking ambition.

But the play of the day wasn’t provided by Messi, it was provided by the only Argentinian teammate he can rely on, Javier Mascherano. 

Bundesliga Shows The World How VAR Is Supposed To Work On Opening Day

After FIFA’s strangely inept trials of the Video Assistant Referee system at both the 2016 Club World Cup and 2017 Confederations Cup, it looks as though Germany will once again prove to be an ever-reliable fountainhead for efficiency and mastery, now with regards to using replay technology in football.

VAR decisions have been overly long, miscommunicated and occasionally downright baffling, but before the start of the new Bundesliga season, the German DFB made it clear that they didn't envision these issues plaguing their own use of the system.

Introducing Serie A Fantasy Quidditch

For those familiar with the wizarding sport of Quidditch, you’ll know that teams inconsequentially spend long periods of time throwing the Quaffle through goal hoops for the pittance of 10 points. This is all entirely meaningless because during this time, the seeker is attempting to catch the Golden Snitch, ending the game and giving his side 150 points.

Hilarious Disconnect Can’t Stop England’s Gorilla From Dominating Day 2 At FIFA Interactive World Cup

Like Winston Churchill in the face of endless hordes of German bombers, Gorilla is England’s great hope against three German competitors in semifinals of the FIFA Interactive World Cup, which was apparently trying to reenact the Battle of Britain on Thursday in London. 

Despite a disconnection in the first leg of the Xbox One division final, Gorilla took a stunning 6-0 lead into Friday’s second leg against CodyDerFinisher of Germany. In the PlayStation 4 final, Deto leads TimoX 1-0 after the first leg in an all-German affair. 

Lionel Messi Still Hasn't Signed His New Contract

Lionel Messi has agreed to sign a new contract with Barcelona, but Messi has not actually signed said contract yet.

This is obviously not good for Barcelona, who have to deal with the fallout from Neymar's transfer. Messi's current deal runs out after this season, but Barcelona have always maintained Messi would stay at the Camp Nou. It seemed like that was a certainty when La Pulga's new deal was announced earlier in the summer, to be officially signed when Messi showed up for pre-season training.

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