This Just In: Champions League Canceled In Lieu Of Ronaldo Highlight Reel

We interrupt this year’s Champions League to inform you that this year’s competition has been canceled. In lieu of a tournament to determine the best team in Europe, UEFA has installed a series of challenges to show how amazing Cristiano Ronaldo is. Forget Real Madrid vs Juventus, Roma vs. Barcelona or Liverpool vs. Manchester City, all we really need is CR7.

Ronaldo haters, turn away now. 

A Very Crappy Piece Of Goalkeeping Allows Juve To Score A Miracle Third

It’s 3-3 on aggregate at the Santiago Bernabeu after Blaise Matuidi’s leveling goal in the 60th minute. Two previous headers from Mario Mandzukic put Juventus on the precipice of a miracle, and the former PSG man has now completed the comeback.

Douglas Costa, who’s been unplayable on the right-hand side, whipped in a cross, Keylor Navas really screwed the pooch and Matuidi tapped in with 30 minutes to play.

Mario Mandzukic Puts Juventus Two-Thirds Of The Way To A Miracle Against Real Madrid

Juventus arrived at the Santiago Bernabeu needing a miracle to overturn a three-goal deficit on the road at Real Madrid. By halftime on Wednesday, the Bianconeri were well on their way to a second straight Italian miracle thanks to two Mario Mandzukic goals against Real Madrid. 

On Tuesday, it was AS Roma rallying from three goals down to stun Barcelona. After losing 3-0 in Turin, Juventus was up against it against the two-time reigning champions. 

Roma Shock Barca With 3-Goal Comeback While Messi Ghosts Out Of The Champions League

It’s no secret: as Messi goes, so too does Barcelona. Accordingly, the Catalan side’s shock elimination to Roma in the Champions League quarterfinals — Roma pulling off an incredible three-goal comeback to win 4-4 on aggregate via an away goal — isn’t all that shocking.

Who are we kidding, it's f*cking insane.  

The Italian side nullified the world’s best player over 180 minutes of action and thoroughly outplayed the runaway La Liga leaders at the Stadio Olimpico on Tuesday night. 

Man City Scored Oh No Liverpool

Pep Guardiola set up his Manchester City side to attack like the beasts of hell were after them, and it paid off immediately with Gabriel Jesus capitalizing on a Liverpool mistake and slotting the ball past Loris Karius two minutes in.

This is exactly the sort of start Manchester City were looking for, as any knowledgeable football expert will tell you. City still need two more to draw leven with the Reds, but they are looking very feisty thus far.

Shaq Moore Is Loving It In Europe, But He Doesn't Think That's The Only Way

In a certain light, Shaq Moore could be looked upon as a blueprint for young Americans looking to develop careers in professional soccer. The 21-year-old fullback spent time in the IMG Academy and the FC Dallas Academy before moving to Spain, where he rose through the reserve divisions and currently plays for Levante in the Primera Division. He has even appeared against Barcelona.

However, to hear him tell it, there is no blueprint.

Clearly Chicharito's Favorite Team To Score Against Is Chelsea

In the 70th minute of Sunday's match against Chelsea, trailing 1-0, West Ham manager David Moyes subbed on Chicharito Hernandez. In the 73rd minute, the Little Pea got free in the box and scored the equalizer.