Cristiano Ronaldo

Reporter Is Rushed To Hospital After Attempting Ronaldo’s Bicycle Kick

Cristiano Ronaldo is an inspiration to 30-somethings everywhere. He shows us that despite no longer being the target market and despite no contemporary pop songs being written about our nightly hijinks (“I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 33” just sounds sad), we are still human people. We are still capable of launching ourselves towards the heavens like a SpaceX rocket before getting one over on those nasty, garbage bin 40-somethings in goal.

This Just In: Champions League Canceled In Lieu Of Ronaldo Highlight Reel

We interrupt this year’s Champions League to inform you that this year’s competition has been canceled. In lieu of a tournament to determine the best team in Europe, UEFA has installed a series of challenges to show how amazing Cristiano Ronaldo is. Forget Real Madrid vs Juventus, Roma vs. Barcelona or Liverpool vs. Manchester City, all we really need is CR7.

Ronaldo haters, turn away now. 

Watch The Amazing Ronaldo Goal That Won Over The Juventus Crowd

The Juventus fans were giving Cristiano Ronaldo hell. The Portuguese forward had given Real Madrid an early lead but only some vital interventions from Keylor Navas kept the Spanish giants ahead in an enthralling Champions League quarterfinal first leg on Tuesday in Turin. 

Then Ronaldo did what we should be used to by now. He did the incredible. He did the awesome. He did the unthinkable. He did the type of thing that only he can do: the most amazing Ronaldo bicycle kick goal you’ll see in the Champions League.

Good Movement And Bad Defense Combine For Ronaldo To Give Real The Lead

Some clever movement in the box from Real Madrid (and a basketball-style screen) left the Juventus defense befuddled and gave Real Madrid the lead three minutes into the Champions League quarterfinal first leg Tuesday.

Messi Was Faster To 100, But Ronaldo’s UCL Knockout Stage Record Is Untouchable

A few weeks ago, Lionel Messi reached the landmark of 100 goals in the UEFA Champions League, joining Cristiano Ronaldo as the only footballer to achieve the feat. The following comparisons between the two were inevitable, because for the last 10 years, it’s just been Ronaldo and Messi at the top of the world’s premier club competition.

In fact, you’d have to go back to the 2006-07 season and AC Milan’s Kaká to find the last Champions League top scorer by season not named Ronaldo or Messi. 

Cristiano Ronaldo Turns Back The Clock With Some Unreal Skills For Portugal

There is a massive divide in how different generations have come to view and use the video-sharing network known as YouTube. I’m an old man geezer kind of content boy, and when I first learned that people were using YouTube to do things besides watch Ronaldinho highlights, I stared off into space for 17 straight hours and whispered the word “vlogger” until my temporal lobes exploded in a cacophony of new age understanding.