I Like Landon Donovan, But I Can’t Hear Landon Donovan

When the United States began their Gold Cup campaign last Saturday I was in a bar. I was there to watch this game, but somewhere around the 30th minute I started to drift. I was like a pass from the American midfield — serenely floating here and there without any purpose or sense of direction.

Dom Dwyer’s opening goal sent the bartender on a rambling ode to Sydney Leroux that lasted until tonight’s match against Nicaragua, a week-long sonnet on unrealized love. 

Twitter Can't Handle Mexico-Portugal Announcer

You likely know by now the outcome of the third-place match between Mexico and Portugal in the 2017 FIFA Confederations Cup. If you don't, let us catch you up.

After a series of impressive saves (including a penalty) from Man of the Match Guillermo Ochoa, Mexico were just three minutes away from a third place finish. Then Pepe got ahold of a cross from Ricardo Quaresma to send the game into extra time.

Watch Ray Hudson Lend His Magisterial Voice To FIFA 17’s Best Goals

The magisterial Ray Hudson has proven himself braver than a matador in a pink tutu by lending his voice to FIFA 17’s best goals of the year video. Listen to his celestial voice jackrabbit from one goal call to the next, cruising through these highlights like a finely tuned Ferrari.

They tell us all men are equal in God’s eyes, but Ray Hudson makes you seriously questions those words. This video is as electrifying as a toaster in a bathtub, AAAHHHHHHHHHHHARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! 

The Commentary On Iceland's Winning Goal Against Austria Will Melt Your Face Off

Iceland are the toast of Euro 2016. They made it out of the group stage undefeated (only the third team to do that in their Euro debut) and beat Austria, a team that features one of the best young players in the world, Bayern Munich's David Alaba.

Iceland will face England on Monday to go to the quarterfinals, a match that Roy Hodgson's men will be heavily favored in by people who aren't fans of either team.