Close

It’s Doubtful Mateo Messi Will Be Old Enough Or Tall Enough To Enjoy The Messi Experience Park

The Messi Experience Park in Nanjing, China will feature over 20 attractions, most being off-limits to tiny children like Mateo Messi.

Lionel Messi has recently unveiled his plans to personally and painstakingly design, build and operate his own theme park in Nanjing, China. It will be called the Messi Experience Park (MEP), which is infinitely lamer than Messi World, Magic Messi Kingdom or Messi's Wonderous Adventureland. With over 20 attractions on a sprawling 42,000 square meter space, the biggest question remains whether or not Mateo Messi will be old enough or tall enough to have any fun.

Mateo Messi is currently just a 1-year-old. As such, he’s a nugget — he’s tiny with stout appendages. Would you strap this cutie into rip-roaring-rocket roller coaster and say bon voyage? Absolutely not. 

A post shared by Leo Messi (@leomessi) on

Mateo Messi will likely not be able to experience his father’s Disney-esque genius until he comes of age. Thiago Messi, currently four, is sprouting like a Blaugrana pea and has a much better chance of making the cutoff for PSG’s Night of Terror Power Tower or the Jerome Boateng Tilt-A-Whirl. 

According to Messi, he hopes that his fans “will feel that I am around when visiting the park”, and a statement from Chinese company Phoenix Group says the park “features the most cutting-edge technology, enabling visitors to immerse themselves in all things Messi”. 

Basically, you’ll use virtual and augmented reality to really feel what it’s like to be scythed down by cynical defenders and to have people writing articles about your 1-year-old son for search engine optimization. Sounds pretty cool.

The park will open in early 2019, and, if successful, will see Messi increase his yearly earnings of over $45 million. This gives Mateo Messi a few additional years to age, grow taller and finally gain entry to Neymar’s Diving Log Flume.