Marko Arnautović Wins Red Card Award For Outstanding Sportsmanship
Last week, Jonjo Shelvey revealed himself to be the thinking man of the Premier League when he stomped on Dele Alli's ankle in plain sight of the referee, presumably after running the idea by his good friend Potato Brain. It was a true display of intellect, the likes of which we thought we would never see again.
Oh happy day, we were wrong.
Apparently West Ham's 32-million-dollar man, Marko Arnautović, spent the last week stewing over Jonjo's newly-found fame. He must've considered countless ways to earn the highly-sought-after red card award before settling on the brilliant idea to ask Southampton's Jack Stephens to kiss the ouchie on his elbow.
Let's review the play by play:
1. Must find someone to take a look at this elbow. It stings like a mutha.
2. Jack! Jack Stephens! Is that you? Can you take a look at my elbow? I think it's bleeding.
3. Seriously, Jack! Wait up. It hurts. Maybe you can blow on it or something.
4. Goddamnit Jack! Wait up...oh great. I didn't mean stop completely.
5. Man, Jack, that was crazy, huh? Seriously, though, can you blow on my elbow?
6. Where are you going Jack? Come back!
7. Can you believe that guy? Oh, hey Maya Yoshida. Do you have any bandaids?
Just in case that doesn't clear it up for you, here's the full replay:
West Ham went on to win the least points in the match against Southampton, due in large part to the positive example Marko Arnautović set for the rest of the team.
In a detailed post-mortem of the day's incidents, Twitter user @J(ones) offered a compelling and nuanced analysis of the incident, stating, "Marko Arnautović is a moron."