You've Been Pronouncing MLS Team Names Wrong Since Day One

The MLS has shown us the error of our ways by producing a style guide that tells us what the MLS team names are, and are not.

We here in soccer media are very stupid. Much of the time, we don't even know how to properly stylize the names of the teams we're writing about!

Luckily, the MLS has come out with a handy style guide for urchin media members such as ourselves who keep writing MLS team names in non-MLS-approved stylizations. This is a thing that the world definitely needed, and you can read the whole thing here. 

Meanwhile, we got hold of the MLS's alternate style guide, in case the first one broke down, which we found in the same place the Republicans are keeping the healthcare bill. Here it is, in full:

Atlanta United FC

Correct:

(please see SB Nation's list of alternative team names for Atlanta United)

Incorrect:

Atlanda United FC

Chicago Fire

Correct:

The Team That Is Named After A Thing That Almost Destroyed The City

Incorrect:

The Team That Was Good For A Long Time But Is Bad Now, The Team Used As An Argument Against Promotion/Relegation In The USA

Colorado Rapids

Correct:

Remember Rapidman? That Guy Was Super Crazy

Incorrect:

The Team With Four Mascots That Don't Make Sense

Columbus Crew SC

Correct:

Party College Town SC, Team Based In The Place The USMNT Plays Against Mexico When They Don't Want Mexico To Have Home-Field Advantage

Incorrect:

Colombus Crew SC, Columbus Crewe SC

D.C. United

Correct: 

BILL HAMID SHOULD BE THE USMNT GOALKEEPER. WE'RE NOT GOING TO SAY THIS AGAIN

Incorrect:

SERIOUSLY THOUGH BILL HAMID

Houston Dynamo

Correct:

"A dynamo is an electrical generator that produces direct current with the use of a commutator."

Incorrect:

Douston Hynamo

LA Galaxy

Correct:

The Team That Had David Beckham, The Team That Had Landon Donovan, The Team That Had Steven Gerrard, The Team That Has Giovani Dos Santos

Incorrect:

The Team That Had Nigel De Jong

Los Angeles FC

Correct:

The Team Owned By Will Ferrell, Will Ferrell Is A Minority Owner Of This Team

Incorrect:

The Team That Doestn't Even Exist Yet, The Team That Used To Be Chivas USA

Minnesota United FC

Correct:

THE LOONS, The Team That Connor Fleming Supports

Incorrect:

Folksy Midwestern Folks FC, Incorrectly Pronouncing The Word "Bag" FC, FC Cheese Curds

Montreal Impact

Correct:

Brace For Impact (Live A Little), Deep Impact

Incorrect:

NO ACTUALLY WE HAVEN'T SEEN DIDIER DROGBA AROUND WHY DO YOU ASK

New England Revolution

Correct:

New England Patriots

Incorrect:

The Team That Doesn't Even Have Its Own Stadium, The Buffalo Bills Of The MLS, Tampa Bay Mutiny

New York City FC

Correct:

Manchester City FC

Incorrect:

The Team That Currently Employs Mix Diskerud

New York Red Bulls

Correct:

New York Red Bulls, MetroStars

Incorrect:

RB Leipzig, Red Bull Salzburg, Red Bull Brasil, Red Bull Ghana

Orlando City FC

Correct:

LION

Incorrect:

Wouldn't Be Relevant If Kaka Didn't Play There

Portland Timbers FC

Correct:

Precious Soccer Hipsters FC, I Love That Show Portlandia. You Have To See It. It's So Funny

Incorrect:

Minnesota Timberwolves

Philadelphia Union

Correct:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Incorrect:

Union Berlin, Union Jack, United Steelworkers Union, Union Pacific

Real Salt Lake

Correct:

Lakers

Incorrect:

Real Salt Lake

San Jose Earthquakes

Correct:

The Entire Wikipedia Entry For The Movie San Andreas, A 2015 Disaster Film Starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson And Paul Giamatti

Incorrect:

Quakers

Seattle Sounders FC

Correct:

The Team That Somehow Won The MLS Cup Even Though They Didn't Get A Shot On Goal During The Final

Incorrect:

The Sound Of Music, The Sound Of Silence

Sporting Kansas City

Correct:

Kansas City Wizards

Incorrect:

Sporting Kansas City

Toronto FC

Correct:

The Best Team In Canada

Incorrect:

The Worst Team in Canada, The Middle Team In Canada

Vancouver Whitecaps

Correct:

Whitecaps, Caps, Cappers, Vans, Couvs, Vancouvs, Couvers

Incorrect:

Remember that Time Vancouver Had To Import Snow For The Winter Olympics? Us Too

So remember, media trash, use the proper MLS stylizations, or else.

(H/T Howler)

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