The Case For Marcus Rashford Being Afflicted With Lycanthropy (He’s A Werewolf)

Marcus Rashford’s 2016-17 season hasn’t gone according to plan, but Jose Mourinho might’ve let slip a very reasonable explanation.

Marcus Rashford has got it. That "it" is the unexplainable quality that makes you standup every time he’s on the ball. He’s going to do something or try something positive, he’s going to take on his defender and it’s going to work. But this season, it just hasn’t come off as often as it should.

The 19-year-old is a precocious talent, but he’s only managed three goals and an assist in what amounts to almost 15 full matches of Premier League minutes. Could there be a link between Chelsea players like Eden Hazard, Pedro and Willian saying they feel as if a weight has been lifted due to a certain managerial change and what’s going on at Manchester United? Maybe, but let’s explore other routes.

I’ve been bashing my head against a wall trying to get to the bottom of this quarry, like Johnny Depp I arrived in Manchester’s own Sleepy Hollow in the guise of Ichabod Crane, bent on uncovering the truth to the horror that was plaguing the town.

Yesterday, I made the breakthrough. After Manchester United’s 1-1 draw with Everton, Mourinho spent his post match interview covering a range of topics, but what stood out most to me were his statements alluding and directly referring to Marcus Rashford.

“Some players are really in trouble. Some by the physical point of view…some guys are suffering a little bit,” said Mourinho. “Marcus Rashford last year, no responsibility, he comes here and scores a goal, the next week he scores another one. This season, he scored the last one in September. I have to help him, I cannot kill him. I must help him.”

Boom. If you’ve watched any of the Underworld franchise, An American Werewolf in London or Ginger Snaps you’ll know exactly the sentiment that Mourinho is expressing. Marcus Rashford has either been bitten by a werewolf, or he’s drank rainwater from the footprint of one. He should be killed, that's the most reasonable thing to do with a werewolf, but Mourinho is going to try to help him.

Marcus Rashford

Marcus Rashford's one true master. Photo: @pgonzontight | Twitter

Don’t believe me? Check out these irrefutable facts:

Marcus Rashford’s last goal came in a FA Cup match away to Blackburn Rovers. That match was played on February 19th, 2017. The moon phase? A third quarter moon — the full moon was on the 11th.

Here’s the continued breakdown:

  • Goal in FA Cup match against Reading
  • January 7th, 2017: first quarter moon transitioning into waxing gibbous
  • Full moon not expected until January 12th
  • Goal in EPL match against Leicester City
  • September 24th, 2016: third quarter moon
  • Full moon occurred on September 16th
  • Goal in EFL Cup against Northampton 
  • September 21st, 2016: waning gibbous moon
  • Full moon occurred on September 16th

But here’s where Rashford’s transformation must’ve began:

Goal in EPL match against Watford

September 18th, 2016: the final day of the full moon

Full moon occurred on September 16th

I believe that after scoring against Watford on September 18th, the final day of the full moon’s three-day visibility period, Rashford went on a jaunt around Hertfordshire, an area within the UK’s green belt and perfect for werewolves to trapeze about. 

He was subsequently afflicted with the disease. He played well for the next two matches, but he would’ve realized the gravity and horror of his situation on October 16th, 2016 — the next full moon. Since that last EPL goal, he's struggled to control his thirst for human flesh, and it's showing on the pitch.

The remedies to lycanthrope range from using the power of exhaustion to cure people to surgical action or exorcism. Mourinho doesn’t want to kill him, he wants to help him, but it’s going to be difficult.

This is the only explanation for Rashford right now. It’s either that or Mourinho is just godawful at nurturing young talent.

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