The Soccer Nobel Prizes Are Way Better Than The Regular Nobel Prizes
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week and next, honoring achievements in the most vital disciplines. The Nobel Prizes have honored some of the top scientists, authors, philosophers and politicians in the world, without the likes of whom human progress would be slowed. Also, Bob Dylan for some reason.
That got us thinking: why let the smartest people in the world have all the fun? SPORTS!
So we made some Nobel Prizes just for us, the soccer community.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who (glances nervously off camera) is recovering MASTERFULLY from his knee injury, making a better recovery than (glances off camera again) anyone in the history of sports.
(camera pans around real quick to reveal Zlatan, leering menacingly at me)
For scoring 15 seconds into a match without even touching the damn ball.
For their insane goal against St. Johnstone. What a build-up, what chemistry!
WINNER: ME, SAM KLOMHAUS
As a soccer writer, I am awarding the Soccer Nobel Prize in Literature to myself, because I really need a win today. Sorry I’m not sorry. Here are some of the articles that I have decided I won for:
Winner: MANCHESTER UNITED
Nothing brings the world together in harmony like hating Manchester United.
You know why.