What If All Of Barcelona’s Players Entered The MLS SuperDraft?

Barcelona could play in the Prem, they said. Why not NCAA Men’s Division I Soccer, we said.

Is this the dumbest thing you’ve read today? IS IT?! Go ahead, say it. I don’t care. It’s no dumber than Catalonia’s minister of sport, Gerard Figueras, saying: “In the event of independence, the Catalan clubs in La Liga would have to decide where they want to play: in the Spanish league or in a nearby country, like Italy, France or the Premier League,” and ESPN FC leading with the headline: “Barca could play in Prem” 

So go air your grievances with Figueras and ESPN, not me. If there’s a possibility Barcelona could play in the Premier League, I think there’s also a possibility that they could play NCAA Men’s Division I Soccer. Why not? According to my research, all of Barcelona’s players still have all four years of eligibility left.

“Yeah but they make money and then they’d have to…” I don’t give a shit. Save it for Rick Pitino. I think Barcelona could join the NCAA’s Atlantic Coast Conference in 2018, start a new El Clasico rivalry with ACC power Virginia and put Luis Suarez on academic probation.

Besides, it’s not dumb. It’s scientific, and if science is dumb, well, we’re all screwed. So, theoretically, Barcelona’s current squad of reigning Copa del Rey champions would join the ACC and play in front of 735 rabid fans at Pittsburgh’s Ambrose Urbanic Field. 

All of Barcelona’s players would stay for four years, because nobody ever leaves Barcelona unless they’re a dum-dum, win four ACC regular season championships, four ACC tournament championships and four NCAA College Cups. Lionel Messi would collect four Hermann Trophies after scoring seven bajillion goals, but that’s not the fun part.

The fun part would be the 2022 MLS SuperDraft! This, frankly, would be the most loaded class since Sporting Kansas City selected Matt “Big Boy” Besler in 2009.

We can’t predict the draft order come 2022 — so we’ll just use the 2017 table — but we can predict who would go where!

Predicting The 2022 MLS SuperDraft With University Of Barcelona Players

1
Colorado Rapids - Andre Gomes

The Colorado Rapids can do no right. Even when they won the 2010 MLS Cup it just felt wrong. But all that changes at the 2022 MLS SuperDraft, because with the first pick of the draft, the Colorado Rapids select University of Barcelona fan favorite Andre Gomes! 

As hard as it is for fans to flock to Commerce City, Colorado, they somehow manage to so they can get a glimpse of the quasi-holding midfielder that was voted the worst signing of the 2016-17 season by readers of Marca.

2
LA Galaxy - Gerard Pique

This is just a match made in heaven. Gerard Pique, with all his personal brand power and opinions and social media know-how, arrives in Los Angeles alongside Shakira and gets on the cover of Sports Illustrated — he's bringing soccerball to America! Is it here to stay? Se queda!

3
DC United - Luis Suarez

After four years of academic probation and various run-ins with the NCAA, Luis Suarez sees his stock fall at the SuperDraft. DC United have a problem with doing goals, so they take a punt on the problem child. This is Major League Soccer's version of Randy Moss, isn't it?

4
Minnesota United - Lionel Messi

YES! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE FELL TO US! WELCOME TO MINNESOTA, MESSI! WE’RE A NICE PEOPLE.

But can Messi deliver on a cold, snowy night in St. Paul? That's a riddle for the ages. This could turn out to be a bust.

5
Philadelphia Union - Marc-Andre ter Stegen

Andre Blake’s departure to whichever club is the best in world around this time will leave a gaping hole in Philadelphia’s starting XI. Marc-Andre ter Stegen isn’t a replacement so much as he is a massive downgrade, but the Union have no other choice.

6
Orlando City - Andres Iniesta

Kaka will be approaching 40 by this point, so Orlando City will need to inject some youth into their attacking midfield role. Iniesta, closer to 35, will suffice.

7
New England Revolution - Samuel Umtiti

The Revs are shipping too many goals. It’s as simple as that. Samuel Umtiti is the most sensible selection here, and the France international will be a cornerstone at the back. No funny business.

8
San Jose Earthquakes - Ivan Rakitic

Chris Wondolowski’s assault on the MLS all-time goalscoring chart should still be going on, as well as frequent call ups to the USMNT, and the California native will feed on the service provided by Rakitic.

9
Montreal Impact - Ousmane Dembele

French connection.

10
Houston Dynamo - Sergio Busquets

The18 staff writer Travis Yoesting, a Dynamo 4 life, stepped into the shoes of the Houston GM position for this one. Busquets was the top talent left on the board, and he’s going straight into Houston’s engine room.

11
FC Dallas - Nelson Semedo

FC Dallas like to nurture talent, and young Nelson Semedo could continue his development after the University of Barcelona with the Hoops.

12
Real Salt Lake - Gerard Deulofeu

Uhhhh.

Neymar 2.0 with the 12th pick? That's a steal.

13
New York Red Bulls - Javier Mascherano

After NYRB’s disastrous signing of Rafa Marquez back in 2010, it’s time to take another punt on an aging defender, and what Javier Mascherano lacks in pace, he’ll more than make up for in anus-tearing effort.

14
Seattle Sounders - Paulinho

You put Paulinho next to Cristian Roldan in the heart of the Sounders midfield and then you let Nicolas Lodeiro and the Cherub ball out. That’s a winning recipe.

15
Sporting Kansas City - Jordi Alba

Peter Vermes drafts a defender, SKC allow less than five goals in 34 matches in 2022. 

16
Portland Timbers - CALEB PORTER IS DISQUALIFIED
2022 MLS SuperDraft

The Portland Timbers don't get a draft pick, sorry.

@JackGrimse | Twitter
17
Columbus Crew - Sergio Roberto

Ooooh, don't even get me started on this one.

18
Vancouver Whitecaps - Denis Suarez

Denis Suarez is from the autonomous community of Galicia, where the climate is heavily marine influenced and experiences heavy rainfall. Off to Vancouver, young man!

19
Chicago Fire - Jasper Cillessen

One for the future?

20
Atlanta United - Rafinha

We all know Atlanta loves a bit of that South American flair, and that’s what they’ll get with Rafinha in the midfield.

21
New York City - Arda Turan

Arda Turan didn't get much playing time from freshman year through senior year, but this seems fine. 

22
Toronto - Thomas Vermaelen

It's the Mr. Irrelevant selection! What an apt description for Thomas Vermaelen following his time at the University of Barcelona.

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