These Five Incredible Locations Would Be Perfect To Host The Next World Cups
While the U.S. seems pretty confident it’ll lock down the bid to host the 2026 World Cup along with Mexico and Canada, never count out FIFA’s ability to shun the responsible decision by opting for the absurd. How else do you explain Russia and Qatar hosting the next two World Cups? Or these five awful hosts?
With that in mind, here are five places that FIFA is probably considering for the next few World Cups.
If FIFA truly wants to spread the game of football across the planet regardless of the political implications, they would do well to let North Korea host the 2026 tournament to show that every type of government is welcome in soccer, no matter how silly. Plus, it’s only fair to even things out after big brother South Korea got to host in 2002.
This would be a win on so many levels. First, all those pesky dissenters stuck in internment camps would finally have something to do in building the necessary stadiums and infrastructure. Second, after the World Cup was over, North Korea would have a population boom as everyone became kidnapped smitten by their wonderful hosts and forced invited to stay.
The only downside to this would be that North Korea would win every game 11-0 and Kim Jong-un would have at least two hat tricks per match.
It’s no secret FIFA likes to spread the World Cup around to ever corner of the Earth, so why the hell has Antarctica not hosted a World Cup yet? Outside of Australia, it’s the only continent that hasn’t held a World Cup.
There are a few advantages. First, it’ll be a whole heckuva lot colder than Qatar in the summer. It’s also a fair way to dole out the next tournament, with no one country getting a home-field advantage, although everyone’s second-favorite team Iceland would have a home-ice advantage. Maybe Brazil could be the first team to win a tournament on five different continents?
Sure, all new infrastructure and stadiums would need to be built, but Qatar is essentially doing the same thing. Really, the only differences between Qatar and Antarctica right now are that Qatar already has airports and Antarctica isn’t being accused of harboring terrorists. Unless you include Nazis.
If we’re going to consider letting Antarctica host the Cup, we should also consider playing at the highest and lowest levels on the surface of the planet. How can we really crown a world champion without forcing them to face the worst conditions the planet has to offer? It could be played a little like the above video if flat surfaces are hard to come by.
This could be a co-hosting situation where each team splits time between the two locations. Yes, travel would be difficult and attendance would surely dip, but most people watch at home these days anyway. And those that do make the trip could be enticed into spending a few hundred thousand dollars on some pretty killer suites.
Imagine the final at the Sepp Blatter Memorial Stadium near the summit of Mount Everest. Christian Pulisic is about to head in the game-winning goal when a gust of wind blows the ball away and off the side of the mountain. The referee is forced to end the match after their 20th and final ball disappears into the Himalayas. Mexico is awarded a 2-1 victory, forever inducing a chant of “Dos a uno!”
Why stop at planet Earth? Who says we can’t play soccer on the moon? Imagine the amazing bicycle kicks players could pull off in gravity one sixth what it is here on Earth?
A World Cup on the moon would be FIFA’s first step toward galactic domination. They’ve already shown they control the planet by forcing soccer associations be apolitical despite the tendency of everyone to be political these days.
After the moon, Mars will be next, then we can start working on building cloud stadiums on Venus and, if humans have survived the nuclear war started when President Donald Trump Jr. tweeted he was a better soccer player than Kim Jong-un, we can work on tournaments on Saturn’s moons, which are lovely in summer.
Broadcasts may suffer slight delays due to the significant distances between the venues and the fans, but I’m sure Elon Musk can figure something out to fix that.
There are few places as socially repressive as Russia, Qatar and North Korea. Sauron’s kingdom of Mordor in Middle Earth ranks right up there and thus it would fit in quite well with FIFA’s current modus operandi for awarding World Cups.
Similar to Russia, there is no free press in Mordor, so journalists covering the matches will have to watch what they say or write. Also like Russia, there’s plenty of racism, with the Uruk-hai feeling racially superior to the other orcs — and for good reason, they win the Mordor Premier League every year.
Like Russia and Qatar, Mordor is dominated by a force created centuries ago — oil and natural gas for the two former nations, the one ring to rule them all for Mordor. But by hosting the tournament in Mordor you’re almost guaranteed an underdog winner, and who doesn’t like a good underdog?