The Goal! Film Has Done More For Newcastle This January Than Owner Mike Ashley
There was something we overlooked, fellow Newcastle United supporters. While we were busy putting all our eggs in the Amanda Staveley basket, we failed to realize that we are now entering a halcyon phase in our club’s history without the help of a petroleum-infused war chest. New boy Kenedy, freshly arrived from Chelsea on loan, has brought to our attention the catalyst of the Tyneside Renaissance: the Goal! The Dream Begins film.
You see, the original Goal! flick came out in 2005. Kenedy is a 21-year-old, born in 1996. Accordingly, he probably watched the film as a highly impressionable 9-year-old, becoming instantly enraptured with images of the Tyne Bridge, Town Moor and the Angel of the North.
He probably only ever wanted to play alongside the likes of Santiago Munez and Gavin Harris under the lights at Saint James’ Park, at least that’s what he sort of said during a recent presser.
— Miles Starforth (@milesstarforth) January 29, 2018
So thank you Titus Bramble. Thank you Stephen Carr. Thanks for working together Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer. Your cameo appearances inspired a generation of players to join us in our fight for survival.
Who else most likely wants to join Newcastle after watching Goal! as a malleable and naive soccer youth? Here are the signings Newcastle should try to push through before the January transfer window slams shut, and the historic Newcastle Goal! players they'd be looking to replace.
#1. Dele Alli (21) — Hugo Viana
#2. Gabriel Jesus (20) — Shola Ameobi
#3. Joshua Kimmich (22) — Stephen Carr
#4. Marco Asensio (21)* — Lee Bowyer
*Might be a bigger fan of Goal! 2: Living the Dream
#5. Timo Werner (21) — Michael Chopra
What a miraculous escape this is going to be.