Like A Crab Ripping Its Own Arm Off, Man Utd Aggressively Attacked It’s Own Uselessness After UCL Exit

The roast of Manchester United by roastmaster Jose Mourinho was the greatest piece of banter this season.

When you’re the most valuable club on the planet ($3.69 billion), the most popular (659 million followers) and the most successful in English history (42 major trophies), you’ve got to accept that massive levels of schadenfreude will greet your every misstep.

Tuesday was a massive failure for Manchester United — the three time European champions bowing out to Sevilla, who in turn qualified for their first-ever UEFA Champions League quarterfinal. Jose Mourinho and his $432 million expenditures were outclassed by a club that typically spends its summers selling.

The manner of the defeat would only serve to exacerbate the looming fallout. With the aggregate score standing at 0-0 with only 45 minutes to play at Old Trafford, Mourinho’s masterplan seemed to be working to perfection — Sevilla were suffocated and Marouane Fellaini was lumbering around, swaying majestically in the breeze and fouling people with his tree appendages. 

United midfield legend Paul Scholes certainly spoke too soon.

Wissam Ben Yedder happened, and Anyone But United fans around the planet gleefully awaited the ensuing shitstorm. 

Jose Mourinho trolls Manchester United

All of Spain was loving this. Photo: @KieranCanning | Twitter

The bantz came, and the bantz came strong — from manager Jose Mourinho and striker Romelu Lukaku. Living in the age of the meme, perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that the roast of the Red Devils was entirely internal, but it was odd to see Sir Alex Ferguson and the history of the club getting dragged by Mourinho in the aftermath of defeat.    

“So this is nothing new for this football club.” -Jose Mourinho (this needs to be painted on the walls of Old Trafford) 

Lukaku’s critique was simply honest. The Belgian forward said “something was wrong with some players, some players were hiding.”

It’s not difficult to pinpoint said players. With 45 touches in 77 minutes, Jesse Lingard was rarely involved. Alexis Sanchez was widely criticized for his 90-minute performance. 

Pogba came on for just enough time to get widely derided for a quality that he pioneered — his Instagram lifestyle.  

In essence, United became a crab with a useless claw and set about amputating the dead weight. 

The question is, who exactly constitutes that uselessness? Is it Mourinho? Pogba? A large part of the squad? 

United must now turn their attention to the FA Cup, where they’ll play Brighton on Saturday. Also of note is the upcoming Manchester Derby on Apr. 7, where Mourinho will be asked dozens of questions regarding the progress, success and superior style of Pep Guardiola’s City.

He’s going to absolutely lose it.

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