How Barcelona Should Spend Their Neymar Transfer Treasure Hoard
Barcelona have a cool $260-ish million to play with following the sale of Neymar Jr. to PSG. Now, the question on everyone's minds is how Barcelona will go about spending such a large sum. Not all at once, hopefully! I took a crack at budgeting Barcelona's bundle of Benjamins (not really Benjamins because they are presumably in Euro form but I love alliteration so whatever), and this is what I came up with:
New socks for the whole team! ($10 per player)
Socks are extremely important! They keep shinguards in place and warm the lower legs! It is very important to invest in proper socks!
Extra socks for Messi because we love him ($10)
Extra socks for an extra special player. We already saw with the Neymar thing what happens when you don't take extra good care of your superstars.
Ousmane Dembele ($150 Million)
The left wing is not going to run up and down itself, now is it?
All the boats ($10 Million)
Or as many boats that $10 million will buy. Just a big damn bunch of boats.
Crippling cocaine habit (depends on which dealer is answering phone at any given time)
Sudden financial windfalls are not without their drawbacks, as anyone who has seen the movie The Wolf of Wall Street or seen a rich kid at a college party can attest. Barcelona have developed a coke habit while spending too much time doing nightlife and not enough time doing soccer! Now that they have all this money, it's like they feel like they don't have to work for anything anymore! They are lost and without purpose in life, and doing lots of drugs to forget about their purposelessness, like the protagonist in Jay McInerny's novel Bright Lights, Big City. Barcelona better straighten out, and fast. The season is approaching!
The first step to overcoming addiction is admitting you have a problem. Congratulations to Barcelona on taking that first step. It's going to be a long, arduous journey, but we believe in you. Get clean, get healthy and we'll see if we can't help you kick this thing.
Therapy ($250 per session)
Therapy can be the best thing in one's life when struggling. There's no shame in needing to talk things out with a professional, having a person you can be open and vulnerable with in a professional capacity has helped countless people put their lives back together. This is an investment in one's well-being, which is almost always a good investment.
Tropical Island In The Mediterranean, The Whole Team Retires There And Lives Out The Rest Of Their Days In Luxury And Relaxation (However much money is left, I didn't crunch the exact numbers, I do not like math)
The therapist has made Barcelona realize this sudden financial gain has erased all its problems, and the club is in a good state of mental health, good enough to realize that life doesn't have to be difficult, and if you don't have problems you shouldn't go around making new ones for yourself.
Therefore the club has decided to retire to a tropical island and live simply but comfortably until the money runs out or everyone dies.
The club has chosen the Isola Marinella off the coast of Sardinia, which is currently for sale. I can't find a sale price, but let's just go ahead and assume there would be enough left over for the whole team to live out the rest of their days comfortably with no worries except for configuring optimal fruity drink temperatures.
That's a pretty good budget, if I do say so myself.