Bastian Schweinsteiger's Child Is Going To Win The World Cup For The United States

We interrupt your regularly-scheduled weeping about the U.S. Men's National Team failing to qualify for the World Cup with a startling bit of information that could turn out to be good news.

The USA is going to win the World Cup, and Bastian Schweinsteiger's progeny is going to take us there. The child's gender doesn't matter (however, if it's a boy it will join Andrea Pirlo's twins, born in New York City, and form a midfield to rival the 2010 Spaniards). Whichever USA National Soccer Team Schweinsteiger's kid plays for is guaranteed winning the World Cup with lil' Schweinsteiger leading the way (eventually).

The child will also be eligible for Germany and Russia, but that is beside the point.

Some folks in The18's editorial staff GChat have raised the question: What if the child takes up tennis like his or her mother, Ana Ivanovic? I say let the kid play both and lead the USA to athletic glory in not one but two sports.

And if the kid takes up basketball or ice hockey or doesn't even like sports altogether?

That was a joke. Of course the child of Bastian Schweinsteiger is going to be an athlete. And he or she is going to lead us to the promised land. USA! USA! USA!