2018's Most Anticipated Film Gets The Loosely Based Soccer Treatment

What if, uh, that hotly anticipated movie was tied to säkər somehow? We explore.

If you’re in the know — a filmophile of sorts — you’ll be aware of the fever gripping the planet, a fever that’s only cured by a heavy dose of nostalgia. We need to ‘member childhood. We need to travel to a long time ago and a place far away. We need to see the forces of good and evil locked in a timeless battle while we veg out in a CGI-induced state of classical conditioning.

And so everyone is losing their collective shit over the approaching release of Rampage starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Based on the beloved video game series of the same name, Rampage is going to feature The Rock and three classic gigantic monsters whose sole purpose is to raze buildings to the ground while eating roast chicken. 

Rampage video game

The movie will look like this but with updated visuals and The Rock. Photo: @DailyDeadNews | Twitter


If this is as good as director Brad Peyton’s San Andreas starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, we’re in for a real treat.  

But since we do the soccer ball (säkər) here at The18, how do we tie the two together in a way that excites you, the reader, while making you ‘member? Oh, I know. 

Football Players: Rampage-style 

Davis Okoye (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson): Michael Bradley

Footballers as Rampage Characters

Michael Bradley gets stuck in. Photos: @torontofc | @cinemagsnews | Twitter

According to Wikipedia, The Rock is going to “fight his way through the ever-changing battlefield” of North America while halting a global catastrophe. Oooh, sounds like a guy I know! 

George (King Kong-like gorilla): Jorge Campos 

Jorge Campos

He just needs a crazy keeper kit but my skills are limited.

Jorge Campos is anglicized as George Campos, so this is already a winner. The Mexican shot-stopper was as acrobatic and risky as they came, making him a great candidate for a giant gorilla that’s constantly toeing the line between eating health-receiving toast or a toaster that shocks and kills him.  

Lizzie (Godzilla-like lizard): David Icke

David Icke

"The world is run by lizard people much like myself."

You probably don’t know David Icke, but the former Hereford United goalkeeper — he had an undistinguished playing career that was ended prematurely by Rheumatoid arthritis — infamously appeared on the BBC in 1991 to espouse his views on a world run by lizard people. He’s hands down the perfect footballer for Lizzie. 

Ralph (Werewolf-like wolf): Joleon Lescott

Joleon Lescott

Good God, man.

Since Ralph is a giant wolf, it only makes sense that a notable former Wolves player steps in here. Enter bruising center half Joleon Lescott. The English defender was never awarded extra lives, health or special powers in his career though, so the similarities kinda end there.